Apparently you make a good broom.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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