I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
