I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
