You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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