Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
