You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
