Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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