Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
