I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
