I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
