After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
