He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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