Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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