I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
