he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
