i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
