Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
COCAINE IS GR8
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
