I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
