you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
