i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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