Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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