I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
