I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
