Can i not drive my cunt home
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
