Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
