I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
