my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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