I cockslap morals
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Randomize
