Your mouth is God's brothel.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i need some magic done to my vagina
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
