someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
