Your mouth is God's brothel.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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