I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
