You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
