God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
