I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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