I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
