He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
should my penis look like a turkey
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
