so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
