I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
