Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
