Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
