What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
