he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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