What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
