I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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