Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
