Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
