i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
