Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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