My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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