i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
