It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
