she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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