can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
